I feel like that today. And I could cry over many different things. My wife got through her surgery fine. But she is in a lot of pain. I just had someone who has been out on maternity leave come back to work this week, and all of the responsibilities that I had taken on in her absence are about to be passed back to her. At the same time, I have been informed that within the next couple of months three major projects will be starting up that I will be responsible for managing. I physically hurt, but know that it is nothing in comparison to what my wife is going through. It is things like this that I am talking about.
I can FEEL the tears in my eyes. I really just wish I would break down and just let the emotions all out. But I just can't. It is not about being tough for my wife right now. She is upstairs resting and I am downstairs working. So I could have this little outburst of emotion all by myself, and not worry my wife while she is recovering from surgery that her husband, who is responsible for taking care of her right now, is having a nervous breakdown. But the tears just won't come. And the only thing I can think of is that I am so tired I physically cannot cry. I have no medical basis to base this on - I just know that I really wish I could cry right now, because I think I would feel so much better.
I am a crier. Maybe that makes me less of a man, but I do. I cry at sentimental stuff all of the time. I cannot watch those "Make a Wish" segments on ESPN about some child who is very sick without losing it. Anything that deals with children and something bad happening to them just takes me to a very emotional place. So I tear up a lot. I don't usually bawl, but I do tear up, and usually a tear or two will roll down my face. So why I am having this problem now is beyond me. My luck: when I want to cry, I can't. Go figure.
Maybe it is the husband in my sub-conscious that is not letting me right now. That at any minute my wife could come downstairs and see me like this and get worried. I remember when she was pregnant with our first child, and she had to go on bed-rest two months before her due date. I was at work and she called me very emotional with worry, because her doctor had told her how serious her preeclampsia was. I remember like it was yesterday (and this was well over 9 years ago) keeping her calm over the phone. And then after hanging up with her having one of the most tearful conversations with my mom on the phone, because it broke my heart to hear my wife so worried. The same thing happened after I had spoken with my friend @CounselorGA the day his sister passed away. I tried to keep it together the best I could for him over the phone, but after I got off the phone with him I lost it. I remember that day too very vividly, and it was one of those days I was grateful to have an office door to shut, because I was not able to function there for awhile. I did not know his sister very well, as she was much older than us and not around much when I had met him in middle school. But the hurt I could hear in his voice when he told me what had happened was so intense, and he was such a good friend, that there was no way you could not have been emotional at that point. I am usually really good about keeping it together in front of the people that need me to be their support at the time they need the support. But when I am away, I usually have to let it go, or I start to lose my own mind.
I don't plan for my posts on this blog to be all about sadness, but the past two days have been a real roller coaster for me, and I am glad to have this outlet to vent, because if I did not have at least this avenue to let some things out, I very well may lose my mind. I actually feel better just typing the words, but I am really hoping that in the very near future I will feel good enough to have a good cry to finish off the job and get back to my old self. Plus, you guys need to see my insane side anyway. Just ask @CounselorGA - he'll tell ya. I am slightly less insane than he is. :)
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